February Note – The Unthinking Depths

Hi, I’m posting this so at least I’ll have something marked in the archives for February. I’ve had very little time for anime for the last few weeks as my lazy and uneventful student life came to a sudden end. I was called in to cover for a coworker’s holiday week, and I expected little else than making some much-needed pocket money on a familiar job. Last thing I expected was to be hauled in front of the CEO and being offered a vaguely defined carrot in exchange for some very heavy project work. I expected to smoothly sail into the regular ranks of the company after finishing up my degree in one more year, but now I’m strapped on a career rocket with little idea where the hell I’m headed. All I know is that I can’t afford to blow this thing. If I end up in another career dead end, I’m not sure if I can muster up the effort to do anything more than forest work and NEETbux for the rest of my days. Although to be fair lately I’ve been thinking maybe that was exactly what I should have been doing all this time.

Ambition? Aspirations? Haha, I’m not in my 20’s anymore.

As such, I’ve felt incredibly tense for the last few weeks. I don’t know if I can make it through the coming Spring and Summer, but at this point there’s no other choice but to sink or swim. My worst fear is that the carrot turns out to be some project management position, which is pure nightmare fuel for a simple guy like me. I just wanted to send out shit by land, sea and air. That’s what I think I’m good at, and I like doing it because it’s a concrete damn job without backbreaking labor involved. I don’t want to be pulled from the front lines of industrial production into the bleak world of AC’d offices. I have no greater aspirations, and right now I feel like I’m getting the treatment of some young hotshot with the ambition for untold corporate heights. Far be it from me. I’m used to being poor, driving an old rustbucket and only buying old junk, all I want is a modest but steady income and a job that doesn’t make me hate myself. Being put on the spot doesn’t fire me up, rather I feel like a roach hiding the crack of a wall and hoping for the best until the lights go out.

Anyway, things are looking pretty bad for writing a blog and for life in general right now. I’ll try squeeze out another post before the season ends, but we’ll see how bad the ride gets. Now I’m off for another poorly slept night full of wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into again. Forgive me for this whiny excuse of a post after a month-long silence, but it’s all I can do at this point. I can’t show any sign of weakness at work, so what can I do? Let’s see if I can make it through the Summer without turning into an alcoholized wreck.

PS. Right now photography is my last refuge. Here are some shots with a Smena Symbol, a rickety plastic mass-produced Soviet camera from the 70’s with a surprisingly good lens on it. T-43 f/4 40mm, Rollei RPX400 stand developed in Rodinal.

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